KND Voice Inbox
by FallenHero93
Summary: In which we take a look at several KND characters' voice messages. Inspired by Mathematica's Inbox.
1. Numbuh 1

Hello, this is Nigel Uno, more widely known as Numbuh 1, Master Tactician and Head Operative of Sector V. If you hear this recording, it probably means I'm currently on a most important mission to save children worldwide and I am not available to listen to your message right now. If this is a KND operative, press 1. If this is an adult or a teenager, press 2 - Sector V will be glad to find your location and kick your evil butt! If this is Lizzie, press 3. If this is Tommy playing with my inbox again, THIS IS NO TOY! GET OUT AND PLAY! *sigh* And if this is Dad trying to convince me again to take sousaphone lessons, just press 0, I'll ignore it anyways...

*beep*

How does this thing work? Oh, this little button in here? I got it! Jolly day, son! Wanna spend some quality time with your old man? And I think some sousaphone lessons would fit in just fine! So, what do you say, huh? Huh?

*beep*

Hi Nigie! I just found this super-tastic restaurant for couples! We should totally go o- I mean, _you_ should totally take me out for a romantic dinner there! I'll be waiting for you!

*beep*

Whoa, this device is so awesome! What does this button do? And this little green light? Ooh, what happens if you – TOMMY! What did Numbuh 1 tell you about meddling with KND communication systems? You're keeping the line busy, what if – No, Hoagie, I am...The Tommy! – But you can't just...

*beep*

Mr. Uno, this is the local library. Your copies of the books "Defeating Baldness in 5 Easy Steps" and "How to deal with psychotic pyrokinetic evil uncles" are each 211 and 362 days overdue, respectively. Your fines now total a bazillion dollars and 5 cents. However, since you're a kid, we will have no other option but to send Count Spankulot over. Have a nice day!

*beep*

Hello there, Numbuh 1...We, the Delightful Children from Down the Lane, are glad to announce the imminent destruction of the Kids Next Door! (_evil laugh_) Oh, and we kidnapped your team. Just thought you'd like to know.

*beep*

Hey, Numbuh 1! Numbuh 101 reporting for duty! Whoa, I finally got your private number! I had a hard time convincing the guys from the Arctic Base records, but I guess all that blackmail had to pay off in the end! I'm so excited! Anyways, wanna sign my copy of the "I'm not Numbuh 1" t-shirt you used to fool the Toilenator? Oh, who am I kidding, of course you do! Just give me the space and time coordinates and I'll meet you there! But you know what? I'm gonna come over there anyways. See ya!

*beep*

NIGEL UNO, GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE AT ONCE! I've been waiting for six hours already! The discount for the Lovers' Menu is going to expire soon!

*beep*

Hi, Numbuh 1 of Sector V...this is Numbuh 86, calling to inform you that I got promoted as Supreme Commander of the Moonbase! Take that, boy! Ha! Have you ever been a Supreme Commander? No! But have I been? Oh yeah! Take that, Numbuh 1! I rule! Oh yes, I do!

*beep*

Well hello there son! It's me again. I found a very talented sousaphone instructor and I bought a new fishing kit – just perfect for a day together, the two of us! I'm counting on you, son! Right?

*beep*

_(heavy breathing)_ There is no other option. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Oh, wait, wrong universe –

*beep*

That's it! You made me very angry, Nigie! All I wanted was a romantic night with you at a fancy restaurant, but NOO, you're spending your day doing who knows what and you're not returning my calls! You're the worst boyfriend ever! I'm going to date Heinrich!

*beep*

(_whisper_) Are they gone? Yeah? Okay then. (_louder_) Hey Numbuh 1, this is Numbuh 5 and the rest of Sector V. The Delightful Dorks have trapped us in their mansion and they took our weapons. Now, I don't know where ya are, but ya better come in here pretty quick, or else we're – (_synchronised voices_) We're back, Kids Next...What's happening here? A transmitter? How did that get away? Nevermind –

*beep*

Mr. Uno, this is the Rainbow Monkey Corporation, calling to confirm your order of 10 packs of Extra-Large Rainbow Monkey Fluffy Comfy Underwear. That will be 10.789 dollars. Oh, and since you're part of KND, we've sent a copy of your order to all the supervillains. Enjoy our products!

*beep*

Have trouble with tartrum? Bleeding gums? Tooth decay? Our dentist's office offers the best and cheapest dental care packages, starting from as little as 5$ per consultation! Guaranteed to make your teeth shine! Totally not a trap!

*beep*

(_whisper) _Is it safe now, Numbuh 5? – Yeah, I think so, Numbuh 2 – Can we finally contact him! I'm gonna go crazy in here being tied like this! – Silence! You want the Delightfuls to catch us again? Numbuh 3, you're closest to the phone, say something – I love Rainbow Monkeys! And red and orange, and pink and – Ah, not that! Lemme get it. Yeah – hey, Numbuh 1, just in case you remember to check that cruddy communicator of yours, you might wanna GET US OUT OF HERE, if you don't mind! – Look, we're sorry for forcing ya to go to the beach and all that, but Numbuh 5 suggest ya get over it and help us! Just sayin'.

*beep*

Hey, N...Nigie...I was wondering...you aren't upset about...you know, when I yelled at you...Uhm, I wanna make up. I went with that von Marzipan guy (after I paid him $10,000 in candy) to the restaurant, but it was a disaster! He kept asking me about Abigail Lincoln and the places she keeps her sweets...it was terrible! You're soo much better, Nigie, I'm sorry! Wanna go out sometime, maybe have some pistachio ice-cream?

*beep*

Uh...son, me and mom are worried. What are you doing at this time of the day? You always tell me when you have to play with the KNT or KND or whatever you name your friends. I called your uncle a while ago - he answered the fifty-thousandth time I rang and he denied that you were at his place. I did hear some muffled sounds in the background, but it must have been those 5 kids playing...I just hope you're fine, Nigel, my boy.


	2. Numbuh 3

**Thanks a lot for the kind reviews! I'm glad to bring lulz to people! Now here's Numbuh 3 (I'll add characters at random):**

Rainbow monkeys, rainbow monkeys / Oh, so very round and super chunky / Bringing love wherever they go / Everyone's made of a big rainbow! / Oh, red and orange / and pink and blue / Rainbow monkeys, rainbow monkeys / We love you! – Okay, for everyone out there, this was the super-duper-sweet Rainbow Monkey song, isn't it – What do you say, Numbuh 4? I should record a message? Okay then. My name is Kuki, although my friends call me Numbuh 3 – ooh, what's that? Look, Wally, red numbers: two, one, zero –

*beep*

Hi, Kuki, my name is Wal...lentina Bea..uhm, Rolling-Stones and I wanted to tell you that...uhm...Numbuh-4-is-very-cool-and-you-two-should-on-a-date-bye.

*beep*

My princess, we meet again. In case you didn't recognize my noble voice (which I highly doubt) I am King Sandy! I know we've had our difficulties in the past, but what about a royal reconcilliation? I'm still the most eligible bachelor of the beach! So, whaddya say?

*beep*

Kuki Sanban – Also known as Numbuh 3 – We're the Interesting Twins – From Beneath the Mountain – And we're going to destroy you!

*beep*

Ms. Sanban, this is the local library calling. Your copy of "Candy, Maccaroni and Hugs: Rainbow Monkey Lisa's Official Biography" is exactly 365 days, 4 hours and 24 seconds overdue. Your fines add up to $333. Since you're a kid and Count Spankulot is currently imprisoned, we will have to contact your parents. We also suggest you take another hobby, as you have borrowed exactly 393848 books on Rainbow Monkeys in the past three years alone.

*beep*

Hello there, my beautiful princess! Have you thought about the date? Just a single word from you and you'll have my heart and my castle at your feet!

*beep*

squeak squeak peep peep squeak peep peep squeak squeak peep peep peep

_- Translation from hamster language -_

Thanks for releasing us! We'll be sending you a postcard from Hawaii!

*beep*

Hi, I'm Laura and I'm a Girl Scout selling Girl Scout cookies made with a traditional Girl Scout recipe. If you were so kind as to contribute to the Girl Scout Foundation by buying one or more of our products, we'd be glad to accept your donation. Thanks and have a nice day!

*beep*

You know what, princess Kuki? I'm tired of asking you. Me and my brave knights are coming right now to conquer your castle in the tree! May King Sandy live forever!

*beep*

(_monotonous voices_) Hello, Numbuh 3 of the Kids Next Door. It's nice to meet you again…or not! Since our previous plans to destroy your lame organisation have been thwarted, we have now had to resort to our most delightfully evil plan! We have kidnapped all your Rainbow Monkeys…and if you want to see them again, come with the rest of your team at our mansion and prepare for delightfulisation! (_evil laugh_) Oh, and don't you try any tricks, or else you're having them back in pieces! By the way, your sister gave us the idea! (_evil laugh_)

*beep*

BUY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES NOW! (_explosion sounds in background_)

*beep*

Ms. Sanban, this is your lucky day! Indeed, the Rainbow Monkey Corporation values its loyal customers – and now, we're offering you a special Super-Colourful Sweet Poshy Rainbow Gold Fidelity Card, which enables you to purchase items from the Ultimate Rainbow Monkey Collection with a discount up to 10%! Don't hesitate – buy it in the following 24 hours and you won't regret it!

*beep*

Uh, Numbuh 3, this is Numbuh 1 speaking. I was just wondering…did you happen to release the hamsters…AGAIN? This is no game! All our 2x4 technology relies on power to work and your careless actions have just left our treehouse defenseless and…(KABOOM!) –

*beep*

Kuki, this is your mother. I have heard some very disturbing news that your sister is involved in monkeydnapping along with a pseudo-terrorist group that call themselves "The Delightful Children from Down the Lane". I don't care what you do and how you do it, but I want you to get her home until dinner! I'm sick of these Rainbow Monkey arguments between you two, understood?

*beep*

Hello, fellow adult. – It's an appropriate greeting, Mr. Wink. – A good one indeed, Mr. Fibb. – We're having a secret meeting in Mr. Boss' basement. All the supervillains are coming, right, Mr. Wink? – Yes, they are, Mr. Fibb. – This is an adult phone number, right, Mr. Wink? (pause) – I think that's wrong, Mr. Fibb. – We have dialed the Kids Next Door instead, haven't we, Mr. Wink? – I think so, Mr Fibb. – We're dead, Mr. Wink. – Cold dead, Mr. Fibb –

*beep*

giggle giggle beep peep giggle peep squeak giggle giggle giggle

_- Translation from skunk language -_

Hi! Just wanted to say that I took care of the Interesting Twins, the Delightful Children, Mushi, Laura the Big Badolescent and King Sandy! The KND have also been alerted of the supervillain meeting. Bradley out.


	3. The Delightful Children

**For all my dear readers, here's the third chapter, featuring The Delightful Children. **

**Oh, on a sidenote: I'm soon gonna publish another story called "Operation: COSPLAY", it's basically about Sector V dressing and acting like one of their teammates (with Nigel playing villain) on a boring day (eg: Wally will play Kuki, Kuki will play Abby etc). After a while, both the rest of the KND and the villains decide to tag along. It's inspired by a Powerpuff Girls and a Ed, Edd and Eddy episode, only this will be on a much larger scale. Be sure to check it out, if you have the time. **

(_monotonous, synchronised voices_) You have reached the personal voice inbox of the Delightful Children from Down the Laaaane. We have more important things to do right now than having to listen to your pathetic message. Say what you have to say after the beep and if you're lucky, we'll waste a few minutes of our precious time listening to it. Oh, unless this is Father, in which case we're terribly sorry for not being able to answer at this time, but we assure you we will reply as soon as possible.

*beep*

Hello, this is Jane Doe for the Fourth Grade Magazine. How do you plead to the accusation of having stolen everyone's ortography homework?

*beep*

Hi, Delightful Children. My name is Mushi Sanban and I want to make an alliance with you – with our evil brilliant minds, we could finally destroy those annoying Kids Next Door! (_evil laugh_) Remember, I gave you the idea to kidnap the Rainbow Monkeys!

*beep*

Hello, Ashley, Bru – pardon me, I meant the "Delightful Children from Down the Lane". This is the local library calling. Your copies of all the books from the children's section are more than five years old. We understand that you are evil and want to keep them to yourselves while the rest of the kids cry for books, but we would still want them back. Count Spankulot has been released and so would be available to punish you, but since he and the rest of us are afraid of your Father, we won't do anything about it. Have a nice day!

*beep*

My Delightful Children, I have a new mission for you...Destroy the Kids Next Door or else YOU'RE GROUN – _static – whirr – boom!_

*beep*

Hello there! I'm Kuki and I'm inviting you to my super-sweet Birthday Party! Lots of huggylicious Rainbow Monkeys, tea and home-made cooki – Numbuh 3, who are you talking to? – I'm inviting every kid in town to my party and now it was the Delightful Chil – WHAT? Are you out of your mind? B...but they're the enemy! – Don't be silly, they're kids as well – Give me that communicator at once! – No, I want to -

*beep*

This is Father again. Sorry about last time. It seems that in my anger, I burned the phone. **(AN: Star Wars reference, lol) **Took me a while to get a new, fireproof one. So, as I was saying, destroy them or you're grounded FOR LIFE! Understood?

_*_beep_*_

Hey, you Delightful brats or whatever you're called, I just heard some very nasty news! You were the ones who made my Nigie bald! You'll pay for this, you hear me? You will!

*beep*

Congratulations, Delightful Children from Down the Lane! Your number has been declared a winner by our computers! Today, and only today, you may claim your Mega Really Destructibly Evil Machine from up the lane! If you have a discount coupon from the Supervillains' Market or an evil father, you may bring these as well. You can identify our distributors by the "We're not Sector V" t-shirts they will be wearing. It's totally not a trap! Get your prize right away!

*beep*

Hi again, Delightful Children. This is Mushi speaking...You're so evil, I wanna know everything about you! Are you all born on the same day? Do you go to the bathroom together? Is Father your real father? Do you eat broccoli? You like Rainbow Monkeys?

*beep*

Uhm...Number 86 here. About that picture with me and my Rainbow Monkey collection...Are you sure we can't negotiate? My reputation would suffer if you published it, you know...

*beep*

Wow, I finally got the number of the Delightfuls! I'm so excited! (_cough_) I'm the reputable Toilenator, master of the toilet paper and the number one enemy of children worldwide! I'm calling to offer my evil services to you – who knows, maybe the twelve billionth time you'll agree! I'll do anything, please! Pleeeeease! (_crying_)

*beep*

I am...most unsatisfied. I thought only the Toilenator could fall for something like this! You have failed me for the last time. **(AN: Star Wars reference, yet again!) **You're groun – oh, wait. You're already grounded for life. I'LL DISINHERIT YOU! Hmm, come to think of it, I never even thought of leaving anything to you at all...I'm so evil, am I not? I should have delightfulised Sector V instead of you, but noo, I went for the legendary Sector Z of the Kids Next Door! Oh wait, what did I just...Er, ignore the part about Sector Z. You are **not** them. Totally not.


	4. Lizzie Devine

**AN: I've been having writer's block lately, but luckily I got some ideas yesterday night, just before I went to bed. And I've also been busy writing "Operation: COSPLAY", my other KND fanfic. Anyways, here you have a new chapter - even if it's kinda short.  
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Hello, you have reached the personal voice inbox of Lizzie Devine. Nigie dearest, press 1 and leave a message after the beep. If this is anyone besides Nigel Uno … HANG UP RIGHT NOW, I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO ANYONE BUT MY NIGIE, UNDERSTOOD? Now that's better.

*beep*

Uhm, Lizzie, Nigel here. Just wanted to say I can't get to our date today. I have an important mission to do…but…uhm, I bought you a Rainbow Monkey instead. It has our initials on it, N and L…(_laughing in background_) Hey, you, stop laughing! Seriously, it's just a… - Nigie and Lizzie sitting in the tree (_mimicking kissing sounds_) – You're acting like a bunch of – K-I-S-S–I-N-G! – Enough! –

*beep*

Ms. Devine, this is the local library calling. Your copies of "So You Want to Dominate Your Boyfriend", "How to Make Your Boyfriend Sparkly – Inspired by Twilight" and "Introducing Your Boyfriend to Rainbow Monkeys – A Step-by-Step Guide" are each 123 days old. Fortunately, Count Spankulot is available and more than willing to punish you since you're reading a book that puts vampires to shame. You can expect him anytime soon after sunset. Have a nice day!

*beep*

(_synchronised voices_) Lizzie Devine, this is the Delightful Children from Down the Lane. About the incident with making Numbuh 1 bald…(_pause_) we don't regret it! (_evil laugh_) And we won't forget what you did to us yesterday! Do you have any idea how hard it is to extract chewing gum from your hair? Wait until our Father hears about this!

*beep*

Phew…Hey, Lizzie, it's me again, Nigel. Sorry for the last time. I sent the rest on a mission to buy snacks and I'm currently hiding at my place to send you this message. As I was saying, I had this Rainbow Monkey custom-made for you – Nigie and Lizzie, sitting in a – WHAT? Y…you guys sneaked into my room? I can't have a bit of privacy these days! – Thought ya could avoid us, Numbuh 1 – Whoa, that's such a cruddy gift –

*beep*

Well hello there, "Your Amazingness Lizzie Devine"! This is your lucky day! The Poshy Sweet Girls Magazine values its loyal customers – and today, only today you can buy a Boyfriend Mind Control Helmet 9000, Upgraded and Fireproof Version at the astonishing price of $1111! Guaranteed to make your boyfriend obedient and lovey-dovey! Its only possible side-effects are nausea, headaches, obsessive-compulsive behaviour, loss of personality, brainwash, convulsions and coma. Order it right now and you'll get a free replacement, in case his friends destroy the first one!

*beep*

Hey, Lizzie, this is Numbuh 5 speaking. You know... Numbuh 5 was wondering if Numbuh 1's anywhere near ya. We're defending a playground right now and we have no idea where on earth he i-

*beep*

(_seductive voice_) Hey, Maurice, Cree speaking…Wanna go on a date tomorrow? I know a super hot place…Wait a second. I read "91" instead of "19"! AARGH! I dialed Nigel Uno's girlfriend instead! This is SO annoying!

*beep*

Uh, Lizzie, did you really have to kidnap me from the mission, force me to go on that date and feed me 500 of those cookies of yours? N..no, don't take this as an insult, I was just asking...Just chill out, all right? The mission went well after all – What are you saying? IT WAS A FAILURE! – Shh - Yeah, Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb destroyed 20 megatrillion square kilometers of playgrounds! – S...Silence, Lizzie will... – If only you had been there –

*beep*

Oh, my divine Lizzie Devine, I'm so glad to have found your number! But where are my manners? I'm James Nixon McGarfield, former Fourth Grade President for life – now I'm certain you remember me. Those annoying Kids Next Door have taken me to their Snowy, Arctic Base or something and I'm still serving a permanent detention, but you can always come to visit me, my dear queen...Come on, what does that Nigel have and I don't?

*beep*

Hi, I'm Eizzil Enived – you know me for sure. Yeah, the one in the negative world. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse – WORLD DOMINATION! (_evil laugh_) Well, Negative Numbuh 4 is a lame leader, so I've chosen you to join me so we can destroy him and begin our own rule! I can give you boyfriend tips as well!

**AN: Lizzie is one of the KND characters that I don't like. Honestly, Nigel deserves someone better that such an obsessive and domineering girlfriend. I prefer seeing him with Number 362 instead.**

**By the way, I love making references to popular culture. I've included here a Harry Potter and a Godfather quote. Did you spot 'em?**

**Up next, my favourite Sector V operative!**


	5. Numbuh 5

Hi, this is Numbuh 5's voicemail. If this is an urgent message, press 1 and Numbuh 5 will try to contact you as soon as possible. If this is _not _urgent, press 2 and leave a message after the beep. If this is Mom or Dad, look, I don't have time right now. Just wait till I get home, okay? This time I'll not be gone for long, I promise. And Cree, Numbuh 5 did not take any of the stuff in your room! What's Numbuh 5's fault if the guys on her team keep borrowing your bras and deodorants? - Crud, I heard you, Numbuh 5! - You remorseless traitor - Now what did ya say, Numbuh 1? - N...noth -

*beep*

Abigail, get my stuff back AT ONCE! I don't care what your Babies Next Door have to do with it, just bring it back! I can't show up for the date with Maurice like that!

*beep*

Hey, Abigail, do you know where my Nigie is? I found this mega-awesome book on vampires that we should totally read together! It's soooooo romantic!

*beep*  
>(cough) Guten tag, dear stranger. Meine name ist Hein...Heiney van...uhm...Beethoven and I'm currently searching for eine business partner. Ich am currently in exile on eine deserted island and all meine accounts are frozen. Ich desperately need your help. All you have to do is deposit 9000 dollars in candy in the bank account 123-456- 43467424 (123-456-HEINRICH) so that ich can bribe the guards to allow me to escape and rejoin meine family. As soon as ich return, you will receive in exchange for your gratitude all your investment and half my fortune. Please do not hesitate! Meine fate depends on you.<p>

*beep*

Numbuh 5, Numbuh 362 here... Are you sure you don't want to be Supreme Commander? It's...uh, worth it, I assure you! Please, you might want to rethink your decision.

*beep*

Uh, is _ce chose _working? - Yeah, I guess so, dear - Abigail, _cherie_, your _soeur_ Cree keeps saying _elle_ needs some _choses_ which you and your _amis _have, would you please give them back to her? - Yeah, the deodorants and skirts and dresses and stockings and - And _n'oublie pas _the bras, darling! - Oh yeah, my girl is now wearing a bra! Can't wait to see those changes in Abby, too! You know, when -

**Warning: Message censored for embarrassing content. **

*beep*

Numbuh 5, this is Numbuh 1 speaking.I have heard some very disturbing news that my girlfriend has read some teenager book named Twilight and now wants to transform me into a ... uhm, vampire full of glitter. I assume you can perfectly understand the severity of the situation. In that case, I give you the mission to remove such thoughts from her mind as soon as possible. _ (pause)_ Please, Abby, I don't wanna be a sparkly vampire, please! I owe you a ton! I'll do whatever you ask for a week! Just...just don't let her make up her mind!

*beep*

Ms. Lincoln, this is the local library calling. Surprisingly, you do not have any books in need of return - in fact, you are a model reader. Count Spankulot has publicly expressed his desire to come over and spank you, but since your record is clean, we are unable to fulfill his wish. We thus congratulate you for your achievement. Have a nice day!

*beep*

Honestly, you didn't have to be so impolite, Numbuh 4, 1000, 5 ... whatever Nigie calls you. Just because you can't spot a good book doesn't mean you have to criticise others, you know! My Nigie is going to like it, I know him better than you. Hmph, I don't know why I bothered asking you at all. Now, where did I put the sparkling kit I just ordered?

*beep*

Ha, this is Stickybeard, the meanest pirate of the Seven Suburbs! I'm back in the candy business, lass! If ya thought ya could fool me, well then ya were wrong! I made an alliance with ya old pal, von Marzipan, to rob ya of all ya precious sweets! I can't wait to see the look on ya face when ya realise ya just gave us 9 grand worth of candy in a scam! - Who are you speaking with, Stickybeard? - Ah, just good ol'Abigail Lincoln, I was telling her about how we robbed her of...Oh wait. - Aaah, you TOLD her? Du bist such ein lame villain! - Who ya calling lame? - N...no need to get so angry - I'll show ya the fury of a thousand lollipops! _- kaboom - pow - ouch -_

*beep*

Hi, fellow girl. I'm Mushi Sanban and I'm inviting you to the "I Hate Older Sisters and Brothers" reunion for all kids who hate their annoying older siblings! Come at 12 am at the Sanban residence with one of your sister or brother's items - I'll open the door for you, but you have to be silent, 'cuz I'm grounded for life thanks to someone...But nevermind that, just bring the items and I'll get a voodoo kit to get our final revenge! *evil laugh*

*beep*

Abby, I think you didn't persuade her that well...(_knock_) Oh, I have a bad feeling about this - Nigel Uno, here you are! Come on, let me put the pink wings on you! - No, Liz -_ whirr_ -

*beep*

That's it! Now I'm pissed off, little sister! Not only did I have to show up at the date with granny's clothes, but I also have had the terrible misfortune of stumbling across those stupid friends of yours wearing MY bras again! They ruined our perfectly romantic moment AGAIN! I'm raiding your silly treehouse right now!

*beep*

_"After all this time?" __"Always," said Snape. - _Gaaaah! - It's so emotional! - I loved Snape first! - No, _I _did! - (_sobs_) - I liked him before he was cool - You hipster! -

**Error: Fandom interference**

*beep*

numbuhfivepleasehelpme -

**AN: Hey, I got to use my limited knowledge of French in this! Hooray for me! Also, regarding Lizzie's message, I actually plan on writing either a oneshot in which Lizzie tries to make Numbuh 1 sparkle or a reenactment of Twilight featuring characters from KND (e.g. Nigel will stalk Lizzie at night, but that's because he thinks villains are trying to infiltrate her mind). Oh, and I've also seen a cool picture on deviantart that inspired me for (yet) another fanfic - this time based on Social Services interfering with the KND world. Thus, important changes are made: the kids have to explore their cultural heritage (e.g. Kuki will speak in Japanese, Wally will dress as a kangaroo), weapons are replaced with pillows or water guns, the Delightfuls are taken away from Father and put in the care of Numbuh 5's family, their mansion is shared between all other villains etc etc. I hope I'll have the time and inspiration to write it.**

**P.S. Another fandom makes a cameo! In fact, there are two of them, Twilight and HP. As dissimilar as water and fire. BTW, I love Snape, he's my favourite of Harry Potter.**

**P.P.S. Speaking of which, the next chapter will feature my favourite KND character! **

**P.P...P.S: Man, what a long author's note!  
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	6. Father

**Sorry for the terrible delay, I haven't had too much inspiration lately... Thanks to all my reviewers! There's another chapter, featuring my favourite KND character, Father himself!** **This one features an exclusive self-insert as well.**

Welcome...Wait a minute, you're not welcome at all. Anyways, you have reached the most evil villain in the history of ever, which is me, Father! I'm not available to take your call right now...or at any time later, so I don't even understand why you bother. I have no idea why I even bought this thing. Whatever, if I have eaten enough Rocky Road, maybe I'll feel like calling you back. If you're one of those lousy snot-nosed KND brats, press 1 and PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED! (_pause_) Yeah, now that feels better. If you're an adult villain...well, I don't care. If you're my Delightful Children, press 2 and I'll answer when I feel like it, which is probably never. If this is Grandfather, press 3 - I'll call you as soon as I can, Pappy, just don't feed me broccoli! I am your humble and devoted son forever and ever!

*beep*

Good morning Sector N, this is Numbuh 13 reporting for duty! I finally got my hands on classified information! Numbuh 86 and the Moonbase will be launching a surprise attack on the Supervillains' Market tonight at 1 am! Isn't that super cool? – _Numbuh 13, who are you speaking to? - _To you, Sector N - _But we're here, in the treehouse! Who are you talking to - AAARGH, he got Father's number again! - No way - I hate you, Numbuh 13!_ -

*beep*

Oh, how I've waited for this moment *cough* Hi Father, you don't know me, but I know you. I'm from a parallel universe - my pen name is FallenHero93 and I just wanted to say that you rule! You're smart, sarcastic, evil, telekinetic, pyrokinetic, shapeshifting...you're badass! *fangirl squeal* Oh, and that silhouette suit is so cool! Defeat the KND fo - _static - boom!_

**ALERT: Alternative Dimensions Collision**

*beep*

Hello there, my favourite son! I've just been recomissioned and I want you to join me. Come on, you don't want me to do this the hard way... You know I always liked you best! Oh wait, this is Benedict's number. Meh, nevermind. This wasn't for you, I hate you! Now, where did I put Monty's number?

*beep*

(_same monotonous, synchronised voices_) Hello, Father. This is your Delightful Children from Down the Laaane. We just wanted to reassure you we will destroy those KNDoofuses as soon as possible! The fact that we failed to do so the first one million times does not have any relevance whatsoever. Thank you for devoting your precious time to listening to our message.

*beep*

(low voice) Are you sure we should do this? - _Well, it is our duty to call everyone - _Uh, but even... - _You pressed the button, just do it!_ - Okay...*sigh* Mr. Uno - I mean, uh, Father, what a...terrible mistake...it's so silly of me, isn't it? (_gulps_) This is...uh, the public library calling. Your...uh...copies of the books (_gulps_) "So Everybody Hates You... " and "What Not to Wear in the Delightfulisation Chamber" are...uhm...1 and 2 years past their due...uh, date, respectively. B-but since you are a terribly evil villain, we...uh, won't do anything about it. We might send...uh, Count Spankulot o - _Don't even think about it, Mrs. Librarian! I vill not go anywhere near that mansion! - _So, uh, everything is fine. Please don't burn the library! We're just doing our duty!

*beep*

Mr. Uno, this is the Ultimate Supervillain Corporation, calling to confirm your order of one kamillion Rainbow Munchies boxes and three trillion tonnes of Rocky Road. The total price adds up to $123.456.789. I remind you we also offer Secure Anti-KND and Knightbrace Transport on demand - if you opt for this additional feature, the total price will be $200.000.000. Thank you for your interest in our products!

*beep*

Well, hello there, Ben! I know you've been ignoring my calls lately - I have no idea why - but I still gotta ask you. Do you happen to know where Pappy is? Last time I searched, he wasn't in the retirement home. He kinda worries me...

*beep*

Your Supervillainity, this is Katy Poofy from the Fluffy Comfy Robes And Other Fluffy Stuff Store. I called to announce you of the Fluffy Robes Convention, a unique event that helps the proud owners of fluffy robes with the same interests get together and share their advice about washing, drying and ironing their dear fluffy robe. The Convention will be held at the local Mall starting tomorrow at 8 pm.

*beep*

_(heavy breathing)_ There is no other option. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Oh, wait...This is a kids' cartoon. Ah, damn, why do I always say my lines in the wrong universe? Hmm, but I think I dialed a bad guy this time...*cough* Fellow villain, my name is Darth Vader and I'm part of the Interdimensional Supervillain Association who promotes the interests of evilness everywhere. Join me, Voldemort, Mojo Jojo, Mandark and that freaky barber Fred from Courage the Cowardly Dog and together _we_ shall rule all dimensions of existence!

*beep*

This is Darth Vader again. On second thought, we don't want you in our super-evil league. We've accepted Grandfather instead.

*beep*

Hey there Father, this is your buddy the Toilenator! Aren't you happy to hear from me? I even wrote you a poem: Roses are red/Violets are blue/I am very evil/And so are you! Isn't it cool? Are you gonna accept me now as a villain? Huh, huh?

**Warning: Pathetic villain detected****. Delete message or burn the sender?**

*beep*

Woohoo, this is Lasso Lass! This is soo much fun, like the ol' Wild West! I looove calling random people! Yee-hee! Come on, Clip-Clop, let's dial another number!

*beep*

Mr. ... uh, Father, this is Gallagher Elementary calling to inform you on the permanent detention your Delightful Children have received this day. They have been found using nuclear weapons inside the school bulding against Nigel Uno, Hogarth Gilligan, Kuki Sanban, Wallabee Beatles and Abigail Lincoln. As you probably know, this is only allowed on the playground. On a sidenote, we'd appreciate you not destroying the school as you did the last time. Don't shoot the messenger.

*beep*

Come on, Numbuh 363, say something! - DON'T ... TOUCH...ME! - Whoa, okay, just - DON'T - Hey, who's that old guy with a dark silhouette suit ... - It's Grandfather! - Again? - Oh noes - Uh, Sector W...I order you all to...PANIC! (_yelling sounds_) - Run like little girls!

**Phew, that was a long one! And a bit difficult to write...Now to decide who I should do next. **

**P.S. To all my dear readers, I dedicate you my favourite song, "Decode" by Paramore! You are the best! **


	7. Numbuh 4

**I would normally say I'm sorry for the HUGE delay, but that'd be lame, since I always say that. Sheesh, I haven't updated in exactly 4 months...Anyways, I hope this Numbuh 4 (wow, same as the number of months...) chapter will bring a smile on your face :D Thanks a lot for the kind reviews, they were the ones who made me go on writing this!  
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Well, hi, I'm Numbuh 4 of the Kids Next Door and I'm here to kick butt! Yeah, take this...and this...and this too! _*mimicking fight sounds in background*_ Oh, unless you're Numbuh...uh...three, in which case you should...uh...press...say, three and uh... I'll..._*giggles* _reply-as-soon-as-I-can! _*cough* _But, in case you're a cruddy adult, press 1 and I'll make it my personal duty to send ya evil butts all back to Cleveland, where ya came from! I'll teach you not to mess with the mighty brave Numbuh fo -

*beep*

Mr. Beatles, this is the local library calling. You do not have any current delays with us...in fact, that is the problem. Our statistics show you as being one of the few children in this city - aside from the Schoolyard Bully and the illiterate ones - that have never borrowed a book from the library. Count Spankulot normally punishes kids who don't return theirs in time, but since he now works full time, his duties also include spanking kids who are uninterested in reading. We warn you that bribes in candy and/or the usual threats with KND weapons are inefficient against us. Have a nice day!

*beep*

Good morning, Mr. Beatles. This is the Super Incredibly Nasty Corporation for Copyright Protection. We have noted that your name is the same as that of a popular music band. In the name of the Super Incredibly Nasty Treaty for Copyright Protection, we have to impose you to change your family name to avoid a lawsuit. Some of the alternatives we suggest are Rollingstones, Beachboys or Pinkfloyd.

*beep*

_*random babbling and clapping of hands*_ - Joey? Joey, darling, what are you doing with the phone? - _*more babbling*_ - I told you not to touch Wallabee's technology! -

*beep*

Hi, Numbuh 4! It's meee, Kuki! You said you'll reply to any question I ask. So tell me what was first, the rainbow or the monkey? I really wanna know!

*beep*

_(low voice)_ Hello, Numbuh 1, this is me, Numbuh 4, reporting for duty. I've managed to infiltrate the local bank, which is in fact a terrible place where adults worldwide are conspiring against - Whoa, what is this kid doing here? - Crud! - Ha, look at him, he's the lame Numbuh 4 of the Kids Next Door - I'm NOT lame! - Yeah, he called his own number, look at that -

*beep*

Good morning, Mr., uh, "Numbuh-4-is-awesome". Hope I read that right. I called to confirm your order of 4444 boxes of Rainbow Monkey-proof boxers and one extra-size Rainbow Monkey with the text "For Numbuh 3, from a secret admirer which is not Numbuh 4, how could you even think of that?".

*beep*

squeak squeak peep peep squeak peep peep squeak squeak peep peep peep

_- Translation from hamster language -_

Hey Wally, guess what? I've replaced you again as Numbuh 4! Bye-bye!

*beep*

Ah, I'm so glad Numbuh 5 gave me your new number! So...Nigel Uno, I'm at a super-cool lovers' ride that has lots of pink hearts and angels of love and everything! DON'T make me wait, or else...Or else I'll tell everyone about your Rainbow Monkey underwear!

*beep*

This is Father and I'm currently on a spree to tell everyone how much I hate them. _(angry voice)_ I hate you, Numbuh 4! _(calms down)_ Now, let's call Numbuh 5...

*beep*

(chimpanzee sounds) (explosion sounds) - Chimpy, don't touch that! - (more chimpanzee sounds) - How did you dial Numbuh 4? We're only mentioned in the pilot episode anyways! - BOOM! -

*beep*

Ha, Numbuh 4! Did you really think this chapter would end without a villain warning you he'll defeat you? Oh no, it won't, because I, the mighty, fearless Toilenator, am calling you to tell you how I'll kick your butt! *mwahaha* Beware the power of the toilet paper!

**Author's note: Do you like the Beatles? The band I mean, not the family from KND. I personally don't - I mean I don't hate their music, I just don't find it interesting. But I respect your opinion.  
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